What I Want

After a day I turned 22 officially, I keep wondering, what kind of person do I want to be? What kind of person that I'm able to tolerate with?

I guess I can describe my personality with colours. I like colours, I love how colours can often be associated with a lot of things and brighten everything up. Colours make the world a lot cheerful and optimistic-looking. I want to be like colours, I want to be there when a person is sad and to bring colours to him/her.

Sometimes when I play with filters in Instagram, I thought I look great in B&W too. But in the end, 99% I'll choose a coloured filter.

But lately I've been seeing myself turning into B&W easily and more frequently. I dislike myself for the colours that are disappearing.

Disappointments, tears, the indescribable "sour" feeling.


Before dating I often imagine the nice things that couples do. I don't expect my partner to suddenly pop in with balloons on a Sunday morning or things like that. That's over-romantic and not many guys will be able to do it. I just imagine simple nice things like, a handwritten card, or a song dedicated for me, or trying new food while going cafe-hopping. Not to mention gifts that can remember each other. My expectations, to me, is just, the normal things that a bf will do. Not those over-romantic stuff.

But I forgot the negative side of a relationship. I knew that we'll argue, I knew that we'll have misunderstandings, but..I didn't expect to be able to absorb so much B&W in such short period.

What I expect in a relationship, it didn't appear. But what I didn't expect, are all pouring inwards, taking away my vibrant.

How much more can I take in? How much more am I willing to be the initiator? To be the one giving ideas what to do how to do and etc? And how much B&W can I absorb?

If I'm willing to keep on taking in, keep on be the initiator, keep on absorbing the B&W in the short-term, how about the long-term? Will there be a future?

Because if I'm feeling like this NOW, I don't know how long can I stand, in this relationship.

What type of person can I be? If I can be a person full of colours, I would not be able to tolerate with too much of B&W. But if I can be a person who is strong enough to absorb B&W, I guess I don't mind tolerating with more B&W.

Sometimes I found myself crying to sleep because of these questions. A nice person doesn't mean that he or she is suitable for each other. Can my needs be fulfilled?

As much as I want to be an independent person, I would also like to be someone who is pampered once in a while, to be able to emotionally dependent on someone else. If there's none of it in a relationship, then what's so special about it? Especially when a normal friendship feels more special than this relationship.

The fluctuation of my ups and downs feelings are just wearing me down, tearing myself apart. Everyday I feel like I'm losing myself slowly. Can I still accept you for who you are?


I just don't know anymore.