Anger.

So I bought my birthday cake. Yes, I, bought. Not my parents. Because apparently a RM 70+ is better spent on rings than a RM 12.60 on a cake.

I got so fed up.

Fine, I don't need your money. I don't want to beg for you to eat my birthday cake with me. I can afford to buy myself a slice of cake.

And this feeling grows, making me more upset as I was reminded by countless disappointments which came from him.

The words I'm not sure how to do it, I don't know how to do, I don't have the mood to do it right now, I'm lazy to do, I cannot do, ring in my mind as my tears dropped.

I kept on questioning myself whether it was a Prada bag that I had requested for, or even a Pandora that I had asked for.

Far from it.

All I had asked, were just things that cannot be valued in monetary form.

I asked for promises to be made, I asked for comfort, I asked for happiness, I asked for morning texts. And I asked for video calls and replies of texts.

Anger, yes, that was, and still is my reaction from what had happened. The non-monetary values that I requested, can easily put a smile on my face. Instead, I was rejected with all kinds of excuses made up of craps, forgetting that my memory is good enough to remember that he once was able to do it.

People questioned my reaction after the break up, whether my feelings weren't that deep enough to feel sad, or I'm just happy enough to escape.

The answer is none of the above. Anger is the answer. All the disappointments and upset build up anger, which I still hold grudge to.

He did ask me once, what type of stuff that I want him to buy. I say no, nothing. Because I never knew when he's afford to buy, or what type of items that he's afford to buy.

I managed to stop myself from sharing posts like couple accessories or top 10 new cafes to try because it would meant that he might need to spend more money. How envy was I, to see my other girl-friends to be able to tag their boyfriends freely and say, let's go to this place! Or, can you bring me to this place? Or even, I want this, buy for me ah!

In reality, it was my choice for not doing so. I can't blame anyone for my choice. But I understand his situation, and I really just couldn't bring myself to do stuff like this.

That was why I hanged on to the words that he said, thinking he's afford to do so that's why he managed to say such words. So I waited for the day to come. And it never come.

So I turned to a direction where money was not involved. He promised to hold a mini piano concert specially just for me. I waited. He forgotten about it. I reminded him. He said he couldn't do it.

I lower my request. When it was my birthday, I requested him to play a Happy Birthday song on piano. He acted as if I had just asked him to play violin.



At the beginning I felt happy because I thought I found someone whom I can trust so much, whom I respect so much, whom I can count on.

In the end, all that were left were lies, stories that were made up into situations whereby I truly believed, broken promises, excuses.


Leaving means giving myself freedom, and also giving him freedom. That way he doesn't need to create stories anymore, he doesn't need to think twice when he speaks, he doesn't need to make promises only to realise that he's not able to do it.

Probably because it's not real love. When you love someone, you'll not be able to things like this. You'll just do whatever it takes to make her happy, as long as it won't take your life. Yes, the things that I had requested makes me feel that I had just asked him to take his own life.

I'm thankful that I'm able to leave. Without keep looking backwards reminding myself about the good memories that we had.

First love? Was there even love?





I forgive, but I'll never forget.


God will wipe away ever tear from their eyes. - Revelation 21:4 -