Words

These 2 months are a roller coaster for me. Not related to my career, God has somewhat helps me to stabilise my job to face another challenge.

The “do not judge” challenge.

It all started when my colleagues knew that I was away during CNY, not accompanying my parents but I went to Husky’s hometown instead. They were shocked. Like, really. They made a huge fuss until I felt 莫名其妙 and 委屈 at the same time. What in the world are you guys thinking?

I tried to explain, but it made things worse. I felt so, so terrible that day. Other than being stress for work and used to be stress with my mum regarding my job, I’ve never felt this terrible before.

It’s like I was drowning, and nobody was there to rescue me. Things got worse when I was being lectured by my boss, and I was so disappointed till I had no emotions left.

I kept asking myself, the definition of being a good daughter. How does not spending CNY with my parents made me a bad daughter? So all the good things that I’ve done as a good daughter were instantly swept under the carpet and are not surfaced anymore?

I just felt so bad, so terrible. Having the pressure of being the only child in the family is stressful enough and I had to force myself to not overpressure myself, and yet this statement? Am I really a bad child for not spending CNY with my parents? Am I?

Besides the emotional side, my rational side also got me thinking: Have I ever judged other people when I do not know the whole story? The answer is yes.

One of God’s commandments is do not bear false witness. As humans, we often perceive what is on the surface. Those worldly eyes... when will we learn to see things the way God sees things?

After 2 weeks, I thought I had put this incident aside, until that day I just broke down and cried for more than an hour in front of Husky (poor him, see me cry almost every weekend ahahaha) and didn’t know the reason of crying. Until I stopped crying and realise that I didn’t let go of this incident at all. I was holding the grudge, the resentfulness inside me was so deep that it’s eating me up. I was angry, upset with my colleagues. I understand that they were concern over me, but their concern made me worse, and my boss being his usual self, did not ask for more details but had labelled me straight. I was disappointed because as a boss I had expected him to have more mature thinking by not judging, but...it’s him. So yeah.

I didn’t tell my mum about this incident until one day, she was sad over an old incident. Only I spilled it out to her, she said it was very ok for me to go to Husky’s hometown, and my colleagues were just not understanding because CNY to us is nothing, especially when my grandparents are not here anymore, and Christmas is more important in fact. Trust me, my CNY holidays are always so dull it looks like an extended weekend because I’ll be going to the places where I go usually during weekends.

I kept having this resentfulness towards one of my colleagues because I had told her not to tell my boss but she still insisted. I felt that she did not respect me as a colleague or even friend. Until that day I read Mark 11:25 - And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”

It’s so tired if you’re having this grudge onto someone. I hate that feeling so much, because it seems that no matter how good that person treats you, everything just seems so wrong. It seems like God is nudging me to have courage and talk to her bout this situation, because the following week we need to work together as a team. So I waited for the right opportunity, and I spilled how I felt to her, and she told me her opinion as well. 

Conclusion was, nobody is wrong in this picture, just that our directions are different, I wouldn’t want to force them to accept my situation, at the same time I wouldn’t like it if they use their ruler to measure my shirt, which they did. Lol ok that’s a direct translate from a Chinese proverb.

I still do make quick judgments/statements nowadays, but I’ve learnt to stop my thoughts quickly, and try to think in a different way. Sometimes I still need people to remind me, I still do. But I think that in this season of life, God wants me to learn on not judging people with my worldly eyes. And to offer as a listener and show compassion to people who are upset for being misunderstood. 

I always say this, and I still do: being a Christian is not easy at all. Especially when I’m still not walking the ways God wants us to walk, and I’m still not being able to show the love and compassion God wants us to show. Especially to Husky. How is he going to accept Christ when I'm not doing the right thing? With my bad explanations on certain things, sometimes he misunderstood Christianity but I’ve failed to let him see the clearer picture. 

Nevertheless, it’s a good lesson for me to guard my mouth and be wise with my words. And also I wouldn’t know that Husky is so protective to me that he wants to sort things out with my boss HAHA. Being someone who doesn’t like to trouble others, this is indeed a different side of him. 😝

“God wants you to know that sometimes God allows us to go through certain difficult times, even as a result of wicked actions by others. Yet whatever we have to endure, no matter how unfair or unjust , we can be sure that God will use it for good.”