Unless she's Nek. I guess I can't find a second person on earth to have 100% good cooperation. Man, even with her SOMETIMES, ONCE IN A BLUE MOON we have arguments over something, but still when it comes to formal stuff, I guess I'm still learning how to balance relationships and aim at the same time.
Something happened in our discussion and I made someone upset out of sudden (just because of a tiny joke?) and so I'm still a bit upset now.
Yeah yeah yeah, I got a lot of things going in my mind like did I say the wrong thing? Did I not think of his feelings when I say something? Was it thhhhaaaattttt serious?
As I thought I begin to feel more frustrated. Why am I thinking so much about someone that I didn't really care that much? I suddenly miss my old self. The kinda don't-care-just-finish-everything-you-are-not-even-in-charge-why-you-speak-up style.
Ever since I start college, I vow to change and brush every jokes and comments aside. I realise that by doing that I don't feel that annoyed because I learn that a lot of times people just like to joke around me and they certainly do not have the intention to hurt my feelings.
And I felt so much happier. Being in the don't-everything-also-serious state, I learn to laugh with the others.
The other thing that I keep chanting to myself is to always look at people's good side. No matter how weird they are, no matter how small gas they are, no matter how yim yim jim jim they are, they always have the good side of them to be respected for.
Easy to say, but it's very hard to do and it's something that I'm still learning. Yes, we may talk about who and whose bad attitude but in the end, I still end the conversation with "But I'm still trying to emphasize on their strengths, and not remembering their weaknesses.".
I don't stand firm anymore. I feel like losing myself each and everyday. Because I'm the defensive kind of people who shoot very fast when I talk, but.... here I am now, trying NOT to shoot at people.
The leader attitude when I was assistant monitor and person-in-charge of Chinese society is gone. Because I hated it so much to have the power to order people, to be boastful and to displease people.That was how I was, or maybe I just didn't master the art in communicating with people.
That's why till now, I don't even know how to defend myself. Not that I'm in charge, but as part of the team, I don't know how to communicate with such people. I don't want to be able to smile at them being nice and all but at the same time backstabbing them. No, if I want to smile at them, be nice to them, I need to make sure that I'm doing it genuinely.
Maybe to put it in another way, I don't want to create chaos. I just want peace. Even if it means that I need to ask again and again whether I really hurt his feelings or say sorry for things that don't even need to be apologised for.
And waiting for you is really frustrating. What kind of person are you? Are you not the kind of person that I thought you are? What reasons you have behind this delay of reply? Why is it so hard to give me/us a yes or no? Am I scaring you away? No right? Because no matter what happened in the FB conversation you still talk to me like normal face-to-face. At least I would like to think it's normal. Because no matter how crazy happy I was, I still took a step back to see whether I did anything crazy, unlike a normal person will do. Nope, everything was normal. Even if you are someone else, I will still talk in such manner.
Sometimes I miss my peaceful life once upon a time without all these fluctuation of emotions that happened these few weeks.
How do I ever know if I'm falling for the wrong person again? As I'm typing this with much frustration, I'm wondering whether it was a mistake to open my heart for you.
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